VASSARI OIL SILCA H2O FILTERING SYSTEM

Latin: Oleum Vassari aqua sparguntur harena systematis 

The Vassari Device, named after Sean Vassari, Ph.D., (Italian: [ˈʒan vaˈzari]; 30 July 1511–27 June 1574) was originally designed using Newton’s law of universal gravitation, but was later redesigned based on Galileo’s famous gravitational experiments when he dropped his cat, Meochelangelo, from a parapet of the Basilica di Santa Croce (Basilica of the Holy Cross). It was eventually field tested in limited gravitational fields by astronaut David Scott in volcanic soil of the eastern rock bed of the Sea of Tranquility. The device was also tested in the International Space Station in order to remove a slight gravitational anomaly in the original equation that failed to adequately calculate nuclear strong forces and weak forces playing part in molecular separations. Unfortunately, new problems arose, as gravitational radiation can be generated in a curvature of spacetime, which oscillates (as depicted in popular culture such as Kubrick’s “2001: A Space Odyssey”), thereby transmitting an energy loss over time, as with binary pulsar systems, such as such as PSR B1913+16. Observations by Dr. Thomas Dolby (who later was blinded by a combination of cataracts and glaucoma from viewing the sun through a telescope), at the Laser Interferometer Gravitational Wave Observatory (LIGO) made it clear that interstellar molecular separations were both unpredictable and extraordinarily cost prohibitive. Conclusions were that it would certainly be cheaper and more simple to keep oil from spilling into aquifers or creating situations allowing for cross contamination. 

BY TIM GUTHRIE

THE BELL FROM HELL

The first Bell Jar created for the ugliest southern belle that side of The Mason-Dixon Line. The face that set brother against brother, mother against step-daughter. The sexiest woman got the prize. The most gracious having the sound of canons, the high pitched wale of the bugle, the ram horns blows tearing down the walls of Atlanta, GA. 

BY SIR DRESSER NEWTON

SALTS

Latin: Salis 

The simple substance of sodium chloride (NaCl) is essential to life, once was used as money and can be harmful is too much is ingested. But the white substance that comes out of shakers on the table is not the only incarnation of salt. Different sales take on the color and variety of clay and algae where the salt is harvested. Crystals can take on pink, black and red hues. Searching for the perfect grain of salt has fired the imagination of many a culinary scientist, looking for the seasoning that will revolutionize the scientific culinary universe. Many search and scout out the varieties of salt, preserving the location from others on the same hunt. 

BY TANA QUINCY

FROM CELLULAR TO GLOBAL CONSCIOUSNESS

Latin: Consciousnessius Multiplus 

Cellular life begins with the merging of chromosomes into a double helix coil resulting in a single, conscious cell. From that single cell, a vastly complex organism develops through the process of cellular division. As cells divide and proliferate, consciousness is multiplied and expanded, resulting in a conscious energy that is composed of trillions of tiny units, each an individual point of life and awareness that together form a unified field of global awareness. This is the source and essence of human consciousness.

Inspired by the implications of cellular consciousness in creating a more peaceful society, an interdisciplinary team of scientists lead by May Deskins changed the trajectory of human evolution with the synthesis of a viral particle that alters DNA to extend the scope of cellular consciousness beyond the organismal barrier.  Humans infected with the viral “peace” particle develop sudden awareness of what is believed to be a global human consciousness and experience themselves as “tiny cells in the organism of humanity.”

BY SALLY DESKINS

CNIDARIA DEEPSTARARIA COGITARUM

Giant jellyfish skin grown in a marine laboratory from a single cell harvested from a water sample taken from the DeSoto Bend area in 2011 and mounted on the extreme size form to appear as it did in the mid to late Cretaceous epoch. Its bag-like body expanded and contracted to move through water.  It can also pull the opening of its bell—that seems to glow—closed to trap prey. The meshed pattern is a series of interconnected canals, a branch digestive system. While Deepstaria cogitarum floated in the Niobraran Sea that covered the middle of this continent millions of years ago, there have been in the Pacific Ocean 29 sightings in the last 20 years of its relatives, Deepstaria reticulum and Deepstaria enigmatica.

BY SKYE HAWKINS

COLOR-WASTING DISEASE

Latin: Vastum Futugar Morbis

Color-Wasting Disease, or CWD, is a degenerative neurological disorder (brain disease) that is incurable and invariably fatal.  At times called the curse disease, as the effects of CWD  seem to be brought upon by excessive use of curse words or profane language.

It is thought that the excessive use of profane language introduces a disruptive pattern in the normal replication processes of neurological material. The sustained disruption gives way to a CWD prion. Prions are misfolded proteins that  replicate by converting their properly folded counterparts. The CWD prion is dangerous because it promotes refolding of native proteins into the diseased state. The number of misfolded protein molecules will increase exponentially, and the process leads to a large quantity of insoluble protein in affected cells. This mass of misfolded proteins disrupts cell function and causes cell death. Mutations in the gene for the prion protein can cause a misfolding of the dominantly alpha helical regions into beta pleated sheets. This change in conformation disables the ability of the protein to undergo digestion. Once the prion begins refolding, the defective proteins invade the brain and are produced in a self-sustaining feedback loop.

In CWD, the brain tissue develops holes and takes on a sponge-like texture because of  the prion. Both Amphrotexan B and Freedol have been investigated as potentially effective against CWD, but as yet there is no strong evidence that either drug is effective. Further study has been taken with other drugs. However, drugs to reduce suffering do exist, and include Crossitol, an anticonvulsant agent and benzodiazepine, to reduce muscle jerks. Both The World Health Organization and the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommend, gosh darn it, don’t curse so much.

BY ROBERT COOK

ATACAMA HUMANOID

Latin: Homo Vermis

Homo Vermis (also, Atacama Humanoid) is a sub-species of human that evolved on the Indonesian Island of Flores during the Paleolithic Period. A tiny 6-inch skeleton of Homo Vermis may have been found recently in the Atacama desert region of Chile. Researchers are still investigating the skeleton, but it appears to be human despite an alien appearance.
 
During the Ice Age, the island of Flores was accessible to Homo Erectus via a land bridge. Over the next 60,000 years the island and its inhabitants were isolated by water. To evade predators and because of limited nutrition, Homo Erectus became smaller as they evolved into modern-day Homo Vermis. In other parts of the world, Homo Erectus evolved into the larger Homo Sapiens. Over time these small humans developed tools and technologies that allowed them to leave the island. The small humans, known as vermin, have spread throughout the world living just out of sight of most humans. Fairies, brownies, dwarves, gnomes, goblins, leprechauns, pixies, trows, pygmies, and abatwa are names used by cultures all over the world and throughout human history to describe these small people. Genetic analysis of DNA anomalies confirm that, although 64 epigenetic augmentations of the human genome appear, they are indeed all part of the same species. The most visible artifacts of vermin are ceramic portrait sculptures produced by these elusive small people that have been found all over the world. 

BY JAMIE BURMEISTER

“PLAYFUL WARRIORS”

Ainamparaka, or “playful warrior” is the name given to primate that live in Pre-Columbian Guyana, and believed to have become extinct circa 1260 CE. Originally believed to be a distant relative to the capuchin monkey, the ainamparaka are more closely related to the modern-day tamarin. They were known for their highly developed social structure, and a unique inability to process fear.

This fearlessness is a result of malformed amygdalae—two small almond-shaped regions near the center of the brain critical to processing emotions. Experts believe this malformation was due to a long-term consumption of a Banisteriopsis caapi vine variant, a common ingredient in the shamanic ayahuasca. Rather than lead them to predators, the absence of fear allowed the ainamparaka to thrive, creating a more hypersexualized mating pattern and the ability to reach berries, nuts, and bird eggs from the upper canopy of the rainforest.

BY NOLAN TREDWAY

THE PENUS OF RIBBENTROP

The Penus of Ribbentrop (oolitic limestone), now known in academic as the Woe-man of Nuremburg, is an 6’-0” high statuette of a hermaphroditic figure estimated to have been made between 24,000 and 22,000 BCE. The object was excavated in 1871 in the garden that of the later Reich Chancellery, where Adolph Hitler and Eva Braun’s bodies, after their suicide in 1945, were placed in a bomb crater and doused with gasoline. The Nazi officer who conducted the burning, Hans Obermaier, indicated that Hitler’s final request was for the figure’s penis to be place in his mouth as his body burned. Yet the presence of the Red Army and the fact that the figure was in storage near the Brandenburg Gate suggests the Furher’s request merely a gesture toward his well-documented occult beliefs. Multiple statuettes have subsequently been discovered, some as small as an inch in height.  

BY DAVIS SCHNEIDERMAN

THE CONJUGATED VERB TWINS OF HIPPO

Latin: verbum gemini hippopotamus 

take their name from St. Augustine’s City of God, which refers to a man "double in his upper, but single in his lower half—having two heads, two chests, four hands, but one body and two feet like an ordinary man.” Yet, the skull appears to date from the Moche culture of ancient Peru (circa 300 B.C.E.); the subjects’ lives remain shrouded in mystery, with the only clues available from an extensive set of Moche ceramics found as grave goods in a tomb excavated in 1963 by a cousin of famed LSD-manufacturer and Grateful Dead soundman Owsley Stanley, who, during an acid trip, envisioned the odd “the skull hit by colored lightning and in the strike unified from many words, all words, and all heads, into a great singularity—which became the ‘Steal Your Face’ logo for the Grateful Dead.”

BY DAVIS SCHNEIDERMAN

EVOLUTIONARY

Humanity has reached a critical branch in its evolution. Through ever-evolving technology and deeply rooted egoism, humanity has the ability to participate in its own evolution and thus has the ability to desecrate all life on Earth. The Evolutionary tree of Trans-Humanist Species indicates that the outcome of human- involved evolution is demonstrably flawed and unholy as man himself.

Naturalist Charles Darwin said, “‘Evolution’ is best pictured as a big ‘ol oak tree … with plenty of roots, leaves and mighty branches.” He was crucified by the Church of England upon that same tree in 1859 A.D. In the wake of his excommunication, Darwin founded “Darwinism,” a competing faith-based religion that attempted to unlock the secrets of life and regeneration.

However, as a religion, Darwinism is not without its faults. Darwin himself was a funny little man, severely limited by his own five senses, impacted bowel and cruelly limited experience with the fairer sex. Belief in Darwinian evolution demands faith in causality, i.e. the “cause and effect” relationship. Evolution has largely been misunderstood as the effect of “a grand ‘supernatural’ design,” when in fact the true nature of God clearly indicates that evolution “is, was, and ever shall be” a series of random mistakes over time.  

BY TROY MULLER

UNTITLED, UNKNOWN, UNAVAILABLE, UNNOTICEABLE.

There are major finds everyday in the world of science, and often scientists are looking for something else when they stumble upon the "find." Mistakes make up many of great finds the scientific world has stated as glorious research and findings. These pieces play with the game of chance, the mishaps that perhaps were never meant to be discovered but happened to be revealed. How many great discoveries were overlooked? The answers are right in front of us, in front of eyes and minds that are blank to the frankness of simplicity.

BY ROB GILMER